If you want something done...

I have a vague childhood memory, which is probably false as is often the way with childhood memories, of being told by a teacher at a parents evening with my Mum that I did too many activities. This has been a common theme throughout my life, I take on too much and I have a dreadful habit of not saying no.  Often I am too flattered that anyone asks me to do anything, and sometimes I just like the idea of being busy.  This is some thing that a dear friend of mine knows only too well and has written about on her blog.  There are people who "do" and we tend to do a lot!

I have just come to the end of a two year stint as Rowing Captain of our Club here. It's not really a rowing club like anywhere else, it's a massive private members club with some 3000+ members and around 300 active rowers and paddlers who all come under the section of which I was Captain.  And four full time staff. When I agreed to take it on I hadn't really though how much time and emotional energy it would take me. Two years later and, although I am not one to regret any decisions I make, I am wondering why on earth I did it.  I think it's taken, on average, around 10 hours of time a week. I've had to be a secretary, diplomat, CFO and mediator.  Sometimes people are just damn rude, forgetting that I was a volunteer. Ive weathered some very personal attacks, although also some praise too.  I've developed an understanding of the mysteries of HK government departments and employment laws.  I know the minutiae of insuring boats for a sport that insurers don't quite understand, and issued apologies and thanks on behalf of lots of people.

So now I find myself breathing a huge sigh of relief that it's over and other than a couple of sub committees that will take very little effort, I have lots of time on my hands.

So I've agreed to get a bit more involved in the running of the riding stables...

Start spreading the news

Being a lady, as I am, well travelled and in my late 30s, when I tell people that I have never set foot on Mainland U.S they usually shriek in horror or disbelief. Other than Hawaii, I have never been to the U.S.  When I lived in Europe there were always more interesting places to go (Russia, Africa, Egypt, anywhere involving diving with sharks).  Despite my sister living and working in the U.S. for a year, I didn't visit.  Since moving to HK it seemed a long way away and as living in Asia was always temporary (in my mind if not reality) then I travelled around this region.

So it is with some joy and excitement that I find myself in New York, currently sitting in the rather lovely apartment of a friend. 

I landed 4 hours ago.  It was a bit strange to land in the British Airways terminal, so it felt like landing in London. All the staff were wearing BA uniforms and the signs were all he same as Heathrow. It freaked me out a little bit initially and I did half expect to see Mum waiting for me after immigration!

However, thereafter I am flinging myself into NY.  In my brief 4 hours since then I have sampled the mass transit system (more confusing than London - I'm not sure why I needed one ticket to leave the station and another to go on the train), been in a proper yellow cab, driven past Broadway, spotted the Chrysler building AND had the largest oatmeal cookie I've ever eaten.

I have always known that I was a big City girl. I grew up in London proper and feel completely at home in HK. However, as my view of NY is largely formed by episodes of CSI and Person of Interest, I was a bit apprehensive about what I would find and whether I would like it.

No fear there. I LOVE it here already. I love the bustle and noise. I love that it is properly multicultural like London, I love that people talk to you and smile. I love that there are slightly nutty people on the streets.

I can't wait to spend the week exploring what I suspect will very quickly become one of my favourite places.

Blogs in a Facebook world

I readily admit that one of the reasons I stopped writing this, other than the clear and obvious sense that it's a bit narcissistic to assume anyone else cares about my life or opinions, is the invention of Facebook.  I resisted Facebook for a long time until a friend signed me up when we were having morning tea one day - I can still recall it now, I am so tech illiterate that she had to do it for me.  Facebook has become an easy way to keep updated with news, especially important when my friends span 4 continents now, and generally let rip.

However, in the Twitter, whatsapp and Facebook age, I can't help feeling saddened that friendships and relationships are conducted with such immediacy and brevity, shooting from the hip, that we've lost the subtle art of thinking, pondering and writing.  I am horribly guilty of flying off the handle at someone on whatsapp, attempting a vague dialogue while working / on a call / making a cup of tea. It's caused more misunderstandings and offence than I ever could in person! I tried sending handwritten letters to a friend a while back, I think I managed two before I gave up.

So, I am returning to my blog.  Where I can use a slightly more meaningful length of commentary and return to using it as my sort of diary. Not narcissistic, I don't assume anyone else will read this, but I will (and maybe my Mum) and that's all that matters really.

7.5 years in

I thought I'd restart this. As Eve gets older the challenges change and the stories become different. I wonder if anyone still looks at it!

Mary Poppins

One of the fears of working mothers everywhere is the quality of childcare that one is getting.  Of course nobody will ever look after your child the way that you would (admitting that sometimes someone may even do it better), but you want someone who raises your child in roughly the same way you do with roughly the same values.

H, our nanny / housekeeper, has been brilliant.  She is one of these people who "does" babies, in fact in a way that I do not.  She has been great with Eve as a toddler, and Eve's social skills, language and reading and writing are all a little ahead of her peers.  However, Eve started school 2 months ago and all has not been well since.

Eve went to school a cute little girl and came back after her first week with an attitude, opinions and quite clearly has got very used to playground antics to get her own way.  Over the past few weeks it has been clear that H is struggling with our bright and manipulative daughter.  There were a few warning signs that I spotted a while ago - I found out Eve had watched the whole of the Lion King DVD on a weekday and when I challenged H as to why she said that Eve wouldn't let her switch it off.  We have also noticed that Eve has a complete melt down when the Boy or I say no to anything.  However, after a few hours with us and the usual boundaries she is an angel again.  I have tried working with H to discuss the issue, bought her creative things to do with Eve, structured their days.  However, H just doesn't have it in her to discipline Eve and set boundaries the way I need her to so something has to be done.

One option is replacing H.  However, she is great in every other respect and we are thinking of expanding the family and having someone I trust with a new baby will be very important.  Another option is me giving up work, but when I say this the Boy goes white as a sheet.  The money I bring in is useful but he also suspects I would get very bored at home.  So, the final option is getting a professional nanny for Eve.

So I spoke to a nanny agency a few friends have used today.  It seems my options are limited.  Part time childcare in HK doesn't really exist so we have to hire a full time nanny.  I have no issue with this, and H positively bounced with happiness when I told her - she knows she has been struggling and would be keen to learn from a professional.  However, when I worked out what we would end up paying for a full time nanny, a housekeeper (H), school fees at Eve's ridiculously expensive international school and the extras for swimming, ballet, gymnastics classes - suddenly half my salary disappears on child-related costs.  This, alone, is reason for me to give some serious thought to whether we press ahead.

Any ideas more than welcome!

PS.  to prepare Eve for getting a nanny we watched Mary Poppins at the weekend and then Eve wrote down her list of criteria today.  Top two were "can fly" and "can do magic".  I did tell the nanny agency these were Eve's main requirements!

You know you're old when...

At 5.30am you decide to do yoga and listen to Classic FM rather than go to boot camp.

(in my defence, this came after my last huge week of training before my race in Hawaii and I could barely move - another sign of age, muscles ache and tighten and get sore the more you punish them).

School Mums

I've been rather quiet, deliberately, about Eve's progression into "proper" primary school.  The options for schooling in HK basically fall into two categories 1) local schools - taught almost entirely in Cantonese and 2) hugely oversubscribed international schools to whom you mortgage your life and your soul in order to get a place.  Of the 450 pupils who applied for 80 places at one international school, Eve was one of the lucky few who got in.  I'd like to think it was down to her innate excellence but it may have helped that the teacher who interviewed her goes to our church (so Eve was completely at ease with her during the interview) and me knowing a Governor of the school probably didn't hurt either.  You do what it takes, however much you believe you shouldn't have to!

Eve, of course, trotted off to school on the school bus on the first day with no problem at all and has settled right in.  I, however, have not.

As I have mentioned before, expat women in HK who have children tend not to work.  International schools have clearly taken this as a given for all Mums and every single school related event is in the middle of the work day.  I had taken 3 days off before Eve even started school (parents welcome picnic, orientation morning, first introductory day).  When one of the other Mums organised both a coffee morning and a playdate for the kids within the first week I completely lost the plot and told Mark that he had to take time off for the playdate - it helped that I was on a business trip and not even in the country.  To his credit he took the morning off.  Other than getting lost and having nothing in common with any of the Mums (welcome to my world darling - just because I share their gender I don't share much else), he had a fine time and his overall assessment was that they were "wearing a lot of make-up, all rather high maintenance".  Still, being part of Eve's school community is important to me and I was feeling lonely and, yes, guilty, about not being able to get involved.

Inspiration came after the coffee morning and playdate emails.  When I got them I was relatively polite and apologised for working full time and said my husband would try to come.  Another Mum was far less polite and said that as she worked full time and asked whether they could arrange something she could actually attend.  Another Mum just replied, simply saying "I work, sorry".  Taking the bull by the horns I emailed them both and asked if they fancied lunch in Central where we all work.  So, next Tuesday, we are off for our first working Mum's lunch.  There is no working Mum's association at the school so I think I could have just found myself a new committee to organise...

I'm back

It's been a very long time since I updated this. This has been, in part, because the Gnome bank has been keeping me busy and has stopped access to blogs at work (so no lunchtime updates) and also because as Eve gets bigger things change less frequently. Also, I have more Mummy friends as my friends here in HK and in the UK catch up and become Mummys themselves. I have more people to let of steam to or share those lovely little moments with. However, reading back, I realise what a great log this is of Eve's childhood. In addition to the photos and videos, having a written account of how I am feeling, how I feel about Eve, is very precious. For me even if nobody else reads it and maybe for her one day when she becomes a Mum. So, I'm back.

Small victory

I am not a big fan of posh gyms. Ever since the rather scary BodyPump with Brad experience, I have only used the one near the office for my twice weekly ergo sessions. I joined it, at vast expense, seven years ago and have never got my moneys worth from it. I am also a member of two other private members clubs that have gyms and the University sports centre near where we live. With an ergo in my flat and lots of great trails nearby to run on I have lots of choices so rarely visit my wildly expensive Central gym anymore. As a result I have been contemplating cancelling my membership

For the first time in over a month I went to the gym at lunchtime today. The ergo has a lovely view of HK harbour, in fact it probably has one of the best views in the world from a rowing machine, and as I was pulling away I wondered whether it was worth paying the ridiculous monthly fees just to be able to pop in from time to time.

Then I went to shower and change and managed to lose my locker key. A nice cleaning lady helped me get my stuff out with the spare key, which I returned to the front desk as I left. It's the first time I have ever lost a locker key in any gym so I was rather surprised to be told I would have to pay $150 to replace it (that's HK dollars, so about eleven quid in British money). I pay ten times that as my monthly fee and have been a loyal member for seven years, I politely pointed out, surely they could waive it. The poor guy behind the desk looked very apologetic but told me that was the rule and he couldn't give me my membership card back until I handed over the cash. So, I told him to cancel my membership (which he did with very little protest) and I flounced out leaving him with my membership card still in hand. I would like it noted that I didn't pay the $150 either.

Brooding

I have a whole bunch of friends who have either just had babies, are pregnant or are thinking of getting pregnant. This includes a friend who once scathingly said when we were both child-less career girls "What's the big deal about being pregnant? Any dumb animal can do it!". Quite a few of my friends who pregnant at similar times to me are now onto number two. My friends with children now almost outnumber my friends without. It seems that I have got to an age when the biological clock, if someone has one, has well and truly sounded the alarm, been put onto snooze a few times, and now refuses to go off.

In some ways, as one of the forerunners amongst my friends, it is nice to be asked about babies, what they do. My best friend is just realising, 4 weeks after gorgeous baby A arrived into her life, that babies don't sleep that much, tend to cry a bit and that it is perfectly OK to call her the "devil child" after a sustained period of days with no sleep. Another friend has realised that you probably shouldn't do a sea change race in an outrigger when you are 6 months pregnant (although as I recall I did try it). It's nice to have so many new members of the Mummy club and, for possibly the first time since I had Eve, I don't feel as lonely as a Mummy.

As for me? I confess, all these babies and friends with babies is making me think. I always said I would consider another when a) Eve was at pre-school b) my career was back on track c) I was fit again and winning races. All boxes are now ticked. Added to that there won't be much of a bonus for the next year or two at the Gnome bank. Perhaps I may be getting broody again myself...

Banking games

I was in the lift up to work yesterday standing next to a grown woman in a smart suit playing a Smurfs game on her iphone. She got off at the investment bank trading floor. Weird.

Death becomes her

As I sit in an unusual moment of calm on the sofa with no Boy (out doing a swimming race), no rowing or paddling (because Boy is out doing a swimming race) and Eve still asleep at 8am for reasons best known to the sleep fairies and not to be questioned, I am looking at our rather elderly cat fast asleep on the rug.

Marlow is a very tolerant cat. She has put up with being dragged halfway around the world, living with a sister she despised (Henley, who passed away a few years ago) and a small person coming into her otherwise calm and fuzzy life. Despite being poked, prodded, pulled and generally hassled by Eve she has never once scratched, hissed or shown anything other than mild disdain for what we have inflicted upon her. Except an mealtimes, when she loiters under Eve's chair hopefully. We have been very lucky to have such a lovely pet and she is part of our little family. She is, however, getting on a bit.

So, as I sit here pondering life and death, it strikes me that if she dies in the apartment we have a real problem. What do we do with her? In the UK the garden was the resting place for all manner of rabbits, cats, rats and so on. But in HK we don't have a garden. Henley, our other cat, helpfully died on the operating table at the vet. One week later our very apologetic vet (having killed our cat) delivered us a little urn of ashes. Those have also caused us problems in that I don't feel I can just put them in the bin and many discussions with my Mum about scattering them have led is to the conclusion that Henley was incredibly lazy, hated going outside and her favourite place was the sofa, so unless I am going to stuff them into a cushion they will just have to stay on the shelf in Eve's room. However, at least there was no issue about what to do with a dead cat body.

Marlow is very much alive (although fast asleep at the moment) so hopefully this is not a problem I will have to deal with in the immediate future. However, assuming one day I walk in to find her on the rug but just that little bit stiffer and that little bit colder. I can't just throw her off the balcony can I?

Another grumpy post about poorly behaved children

One of my favourite blogs over the past few years is Pants with Names. Although I have neither the time nor the inclination to become part of a much larger mummy blogging community, I have my favourites that are mostly written by friend and friends of friends and I take a lot of interest and delight in the parenting challenges of others.

Recently, she wrote about whether one should or should not discipline the children of others. By discipline here we are not beating a small child in public but rather highlighting to other children some basic social norms (sharing, not hitting, being kind to smaller children) that are the basics with regards to human decency and a harmonious society. This is something I grapple with a great deal. It is a particular problem in HK because lots of children are not looked after by their parents and carers are rarely empowered to discipline the children at all, let alone in public. I don't tend to tell off children directly but I do seek out their parents or carers and suggest to them that they might like to do something. More than once I have felt very sorry for a Filipino helper whose prime motivation is to ensure that the little princeling (or princess-ling) does not tell any bad stories to Mummy about her, who has not actual support to instil discipline but faces me telling them that it would be a good idea if they could stop/start/remind their charge about something.


The worst instance was in a local theme park, Ocean Park. We went with friends and Eve was queuing up for a bouncy castle. Parents and carers were not allowed to stand with the children, but I could see Eve, and there was a park guide organising the queue. Eve was with her friend but, being kind, she had let her friend go in front and she went on a different slot to Eve. This meant that Eve was standing next to a couple of boys who pushed in front of Eve. Eve, having her mother's innate sense of fairness, asked the boys to go back, whereupon the larger brother of the two boys shouted at and hit Eve. I lost the plot completely.

I leapt over the barriers and grabbed Eve, who was by now crying. I told the park guide what had happened (she had been watching) and told her that she should remove the boys from the line immediately. She said that she didn't know what had happened, couldn't, and let the boys onto the castle. I told her, loudly and firmly, that she was reinforcing bad behaviour and if parents weren't allowed to stand in the line then she had a duty to ensure that children were treated fairly. She did that classic HK Chinese thing of saying sorry but not really engaging at all in any form of sensible discussion. Then, to top it off, she said that Eve would have to go to the back of the line to wait her turn to go on the castle again. Giving up on her completely, I looked around to find the parent of the boys to give her a piece of my mind, only to find the two boys were getting off and ran over to their Filipino helper who had seen the whole thing and just gave me a slightly weak smile as she carried their bags for them.

My Mum suggested that I write to the park manager but I know HK and they way things work here to know that nobody would care at all.

Bullies

I was bullied at school. In fact at two out of my three schools. I was bullied because I was different, I was bullied because there were some nasty girls at my schools, I was bullied because I was too lacking in confidence to do much about it until my Mum stepped in - both times. I know a lot of it was from a strong desire to fit in an air of desperation and loneliness that I must have given off. Mum thinks that some children are just the "type" who get bullied. Maybe she is right. However, I spent a lot of my childhood at school being unhappy, until I finally found my voice, confidence and comfort zone at my final school.

As such I am acutely attuned to any hint of bullying or social isolation directed at Eve. She is a confident little girl around her friends but also like to fit in and be liked and seeks approval (oh so like her mother). There is one little girl in the playground, N, who is a couple of years older than Eve. I don't like N. I don't like her because she seems to enjoy excluding other children from her games. She will select one or two friends to play with and then, quite hurtfully, exclude the other children. This often includes Eve who, having been taught by her Mummy that if she wants something she should ask nicely, gets very upset when N tells her to go away. I came to the playground last night to find N sitting on a bench with one other little girl pretending to be on a boat with Eve standing nearby. She told me as I walked up to them that she was on the boat and Eve wasn't allowed on it because there were only two seats. Cue Eve getting really upset. I told her that there seemed to be lots of room and maybe we could all join her on the boat. She pointedly told me that Eve wasn't welcome. Eve started to cry.

Mercifully at that point N left the playground with her helper. H, our nanny, and I sat quietly with Eve and explained that not everyone is a nice person all the time and she had lots of other friends who would be more fun to be with. Eve gave a plaintive cry that she wanted to play with N and couldn't understand why she didn't like her.

To be honest, if it had been Eve behaving like that to another child I would have taken her to task about her behaviour. However, this is the city where 90% of children are looked after by helpers who have little or no support for discipline from the parents of their charges. I spoke to H about it, she had noticed it too and said that N's nanny knew about it but that she couldn't stop it. It would seem that the nanny fraternity in our playground have simply written N off as a spiteful bully. Sad for her when she is only 6 and sad for the other children who play there.

Portugal and Bill Clinton

My recent bout of food poisoning reminds me, as it usually does, of a trip I made to Lisbon many years ago.

It was pretty early on in my relationship with the Boy, in fact it was our first break. Being just out of Uni and having no money, I managed to get cheap tickets on a BA deal and off we trotted to Lisbon. The only hotel I could afford was a rather anonymous business hotel a good 20 mins walk from the main city centre but it was a holiday and one I could afford without going into too much debt so off we went. The first 2 nights of our long weekend went really well. I had done a bit of research so we did the usual tourist things, although I discovered a useful fact about the Boy - he doesn't much like wandering around churches and that's sort of the best bit about Lisbon, and ate in some lovely local places. On our penultimate night, the Boy took control and decided that we would eat at a local BBQ chicken place he had read about. It was cheap, the food was yummy and I congratulated him on a great choice.

Until about midnight. When I started to vomit, and the other one, mainly both at the same time. About two hours later the Boy started doing pretty much the same thing. There was no way on earth we were going to manage to leave our room so we alternated between the bathroom and the bed feeling rather sorry for ourselves.

Being a lower end business hotel, it catered for Portugese business travelers. This included the TV channels where the only two English language channels were Eurosport and CNN. It was the day that Bill Clinton's deposition about not having sex with that woman. CNN was running it, in its entirety. Eurosport was running the European truck pulling championships in full, unedited. For those who have not been initiated into this wonderful sport, it involves pulling trucks. Men pulling trucks. Women pulling trucks. Other trucks pulling trucks. Riveting. So we watched Bill and trucks, upon reflection perhaps Bill would have been more interesting had he been pulling a truck, for about 8 hours.

I still feel slightly nauseous whenever I see pictures of Bill Clinton.

Weight loss HK style

After 8 years in HK, about 6 more than I originally thought I would be here, I have got used to many of the less pleasant aspects of this amazing city. For example, I find that I not only tolerate but actually enjoy humidity now. I complain when it's below 25 degrees outside and frizzy hair is a small price to pay for being warm. I have given up all need for personal space and have got used to unsolicited comments telling me I am looking too fat, too thin, tired, too big and any other many comments about my appearance that seem perfectly acceptable to make to a virtual stranger. I have even got used to the slavish adherence to rules that sees me not able to raise my credit card limit or explain why I shouldn't get charged be being overdrawn on one account when it is the same account number as my other one and I have lots of money there (only someone who has lived in HK will understand that - it does sound like something from catch 22).

I had also got used to the less than strict food safety and hygiene standards in resaurants and it's been a full three years since I ate out and anything got to me, in any country in Asia. Until this week. After a fun and rare night out on a school night at a driving simulator (I lost all the races in the slow cars but did rather well in anything fast, even beating the boy in the final F1 race) and then a curry. It was one of the better quality curry houses in HK and I didn't eat anything odd but overnight I made friends with my bathroom. Three days later I still can't keep solid food in me, although I don't seem to feel too bad on it and I must be losing weight - every cloud and all that. Perhaps part of me, ie bits to do with digestion it seems, are still English at heart.

True blood

Today I got a notice about the company blood donor drive. Once or twice a year there is a blood donation day at the office. It's a great way to get blood donated and, like the UK, there is no fee paid to the donors so it really is a civic responsibility for the people of HK. Being a newly minted permanent resident (I picked up my new ID card today) I decided I wanted to donate. I know that, in the past, I was rejected because I had lived in the UK and there is still a general fear about CJD. However, this was before I realised that I an O negative and, therefore, a rather rare and useful blood group. I checked the stats and it is especially rare amongst those of Chinese ethnicity and, according to Wikipedia, just 0.31% of the HK population are this blood group. Surely, there could be an exception.

Um, no.

Amusingly I can't donate in the UK either because the countries in Asia I have travelled to exclude me from giving in the UK too.

Oh well, me and my rare blood type will just have to settle for doing out civic duty in some other way.

Permanent

I'm a permanent HK resident now. This means that I can live and work here without needing a visa (yey), I can vote (double yey) and I have been here 8 whole years (shit, that went fast). It doesn't mean I can get a school place though!

Simplify

I've always been one for taking on a bit too much. I have the attention span of a goldfish and, most of the time, a huge amount of energy. I may also be just a tiny bit competitive and don't really think that it's worth doing something unless you do it well (or enjoy it, but often they are one and the same). However, earlier this year I realised that I was struggling a bit and had really taken on a bit too much. Aside from the full time job and being a Mum, I also had training for two competitive sports, sunday school teaching, voluntary work as a mentor for a reforming teenage drug addict, rowing club secretary and, after agreeing to organise a dinner for my former head of college, the alumni convenor for my college (although other than one dinner I've not actually done much yet). So, for the first time in my life, I have given something up.

I am no longer rowing club secretary. Someone else has taken on that task and after 6 years (out of the 8 we have been here) that I have been on the club committee I am nothing, nil, of no importance at all.

What will I do with all my spare time now? I was thinking of Chinese classes...

Another mummy moment

To other Mums (and Dads).

Do you ever have a moment when it hits you, I mean really hits you, that you are a parent and your child is the most lovely and most important thing in your life? It's that moment when you really understand what unconditional love is all about - with the beauty and the pain that goes along with it - and how incredibly special it is.

It's the most amazing feeling alive.