Dromedary

Broodiness is not something I ever experienced before I had Eve. Although much loved now she is here, I had never been one of these people who just had to have a child. I have lots of friends who were, so I understand the concept, but it just never happened to me. I got drunk, got pregnant, had a baby and became a Mum. The whole planning and desire bit rather passed me by. I thought of broodiness in the same way as I do about people with allergies. I know that they are real, but I just don't have them. I am too strong and healthy (and selfish and stubborn) to succumb to that.

So it is with some fear that I am starting to realise that I might be coming down with it and, the more horrifying thought, that it might be catching. I have 2 friends with relatively new babies, a couple who are pregnant, and a similar number who are actively trying. As Eve was bouncing up and down on the sofa and trying to pull the cat's tail today, I couldn't help thinking that she would make a great older sister. In fact, it would do her a lot of good. Maybe those nights and breastfeeding weren't so bad, and it is not as if it goes on forever, and it must be easier the second time round. Surely?

As a result I find myself being a little less careful about taking my pill than I was last time I was on it. And there is still a jar of unopened folic acid in the cupboard that I could start to take just in case.

Or maybe, like allergies and other illnesses, my immunity will kick in, the illness will pass and I will get better again.

And then there were four

I got an SMS last week from P, a good friend who I was pregnant with the first time around. P was brilliant to be pregnant with because she was as much of a workaholic as I was, loved her sport and her wine, and was all a bit apprehensive about having a baby - just like me. It was P who I got stranded with after our steering broke while paddling in a canoe during a typhoon. We bonded. We had the little ones just 6 days apart, and I spent quite a lot of time with her when Eve was first born, chatting while we fed the babies and moaning about lack of sleep.

Anyway, she is pregnant again. I am really happy for her. This also takes the number of women I was pregnant at the same time as first time around who are now at it again to four.

This also means that I have now hit that stage where pretty much everyone expects me to have another baby myself. Twice in the past 2 days I have been asked when I plan to have the next one. To be honest, I don't know when or if I will. I love Eve to death and have a lot of fun. But just one enables me to still do lots of things I like doing (work, rowing, seeing friends without children) and still feel that I get enough quality time to enjoy her. I am not sure I could do it all with 2. I am also not sure I am prepared for the whale-like status, sleepless nights, leaking boobs and all the other icky stuff that goes with having a baby again.

Or does this make me selfish?

Answers on a postcard please.

And then there were two?

Before I had Eve I was not in any way maternal. When friends ask me how I decided to have a baby, I honestly tell them it was because I had always promised the Boy that when I turned 30 I might be willing to have a child and because I had run out of reasons not to. Of course now I think Eve is the best thing I have ever done, but I was very happy with my life and it felt complete without a child.

Which means I am now experiencing broodiness for the first time and it is all a bit scary. I find myself thinking that I would rather like another child more often than thinking about it with horror. Eve is at a adorable age, she is lots of fun, and I think that doing it again and having two would be really special. However, I am not entirely convinced about it. The problem is twofold. Firstly, I hated being pregnant. I have only just got back my pre-pregnancy fitness and vaguely approximate my pre-pregnancy shape and I am not quite ready to give it up yet. Secondly, the first 3-4 months of Eve's life was by far the most miserable, hardest, and sleep deprived of my life. I am so glad that phase is over, and I am not sure I have the patience or mental strength to do it all over again.

The Boy is keen for another.

So, I am taking some baby steps to get a better feel for whether or not to take the plunge again. I have placed our copy of the Rough Guide to Babies in the bathroom to read on the loo. I am trying to engage a bit more with the babies in the playground to remind myself that they aren't all that boring. I am figuring out career choices to accomodate a possible second pregnancy and thinking about what might be timing that would work for all 4 of us.

Watch this space.